Monday, February 18, 2013

What I Miss

Found this untitled word document on my computer which I must have typed a while ago. I vaguely remember writing it, but can't remember when or where I did, or what drove me to get all mushy. Anyway, reading it brings back a flood of beautiful, colorful, and personal memories, which was clearly the intention at the time. And as the "naked girl scout" that I claim to be, I will hide none of it from you. Behold, a peep into my past, unedited and a little sappy...

"I miss the eighth grade. I miss Christmastime. I miss looking too young, feeling too young.

not knowing what kisses taste like on the  lips.

eating way too much pumpkin pie on Thanksgiving.

lying next to my best guy friend on the grass on Halloween, knowing neither one of us were cool enough to be anywhere else besides with our families, and not caring.

stealing people's crayons.

John's curly Q's.

themed birthday parties; gluing fluffy stuff to flip flops from Michael's.

I miss being young and blissfully unaware of how I looked. If my hair looked like it had been washed sometime in the past week and there were no food particles stuck in my braces after lunch, that was a good day. I miss not having MySpace, Facebook, or a cell phone. I miss making movies with my neighbor, Anna. If I've ever truly had a "best friend", it was her. Anna has been there for me since I was about five years old. I've grown up with her. I know her family as well as I know my own, and although she's two and a half years younger than me, she always got me. She was always the friend I needed. I hate that we've grown up and forgotten the kids who sang along to S Club 7, who made peanut butter & gummy bear sandwiches for their little brothers, who played in the snow until they were so frozen and numb that they could do nothing but blink and breathe.

I miss seeing The Polar Express for the first time. That will always be the best Christmas movie I have ever seen. It makes me so warm. It makes my heart want to cry. I know you've felt that feeling--that hurtful clutch on your heart that makes it hard to breathe. You get it when you watch someone you love board an airplane, or when you see the first snowflakes of winter beginning to fall.

I miss snow days, those precious early Christmas gifts God leaves for mid-western children. I miss seeing how happy my family could be on Christmas mornings. I think the most magical times in all of life are the minutes before you fall asleep on Christmas Eve as children, and the very seconds before you wake up the next day. Those are the most magical hours anyone could ever get--when you're a child, when you know Santa is coming the moment those sleepy little eyes drift shut, when everything seems like peace. When you're too young to understand the heartache of others all over the world--when you would never believe that there are children out there, younger than you, who already know Santa Claus isn't real and he's never coming to brighten their Christmases--those moments, for a child who hasn't even begun to see through her dreams, are bliss. Because ignorance is bliss. There are people who have been cheated on or had some horrible disease that could have been treated if only detected sooner who would beg to differ with that statement, but I'm holding to it. Because I've experienced it, and it's true. I thought Do They Know It's Christmas by Band Aid was one of the happiest Christmas songs ever created. When they sing "feed the world", I thought they were just praising God. Every time I heard it, I'd bob my head and want to throw my arms in the air and party with all the African children, who it sounded like were having an awesome party over there.

I miss thinking that pre-drugged Macaluay Culkin, the one who kicked the snot out of Joe Pesci and Daniel Stern, was the coolest kid around, and that things like forgetting your child at home on Christmas could really happen."

And that's all there is. It stops, just like that. Like I had this little epiphany of how beautiful it is to be a child, and then I remembered I had homework or something more productive that needed finishing. But this is good, too, being able to just drift off from time to time and slip into the past when we need a little respite from our busy adult lives. It's nice to remember those innocent Christmas nights, and summers when the only decisions we had to make were what movies to watch during a sleepover. It may be tacky, but I'm glad I found this. It's always good to remember yourself, and I hope this inspires you all to do the same.

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